Thursday, January 11, 2007

f u n k y

Every mood needs a mascot (and its own cheering section in this case). I hope you like her because I'm thinking she'll be around for awhile. And yes, I realize that I'm not so much Asian or all that little, but I like her. She's pissed off and she makes me feel better.
I'm in a funk that just won't lift. I thought for sure that once the holidays were behind me I would embrace 2007 with a genuinely refreshing new attitude. Not so. I just can't seem to get over how much I hated 2006's fucking guts. I've been on the verge of tears since New Year's Day when I truly thought magic would happen and the f u n k would lift. Instead I'm swearing like a sailor and yelling at little boys who can't seem to share their mountain of new toys or eat anything or leave me alone. There. I said it. I'm a bad mom and person but that's how I feel. I just want to be left alone. Alone to brood and mope and pout and scream and swear and rant and drink cocktails. Yet, even writing that I know this isn't who I want to be. I want to be breezier. Calmer. I want to care less that everything isn't perfect. I want it not to grate on my last shred of patience that christmas wrapping paper is still rolling around my laundry room tripping me up every time I attempt to pull yet another load of clothes from the dryer. I want to feel less enraged that I keep finding ornaments under every piece of furniture even though the one post-holiday thing I've managed to accomplish was to take down the tree. I want the back of my car not to be filled with bags and bags of things to return. Things that were bought with hard earned money by family and friends in an attempt to mark the season for my family and let us know that we're loved. Too bad it's all the wrong color, size, taste - just all wrong. And then I hate myself for having these problems. These incredibly privileged problems of mine. These are not real problems. Not to a sane person anyway.
So, please excuse me whilst I attempt to get over myself and embrace the good and the real and refocus my energy. Part of me thinks the whole "if you don't have anything nice to say..." adage should be put into affect here on pixie sticks, but the other part of me thinks nobody reads this thing anyway and hey! if you do, you've been warned right up front that I'm cranky and by the way, isn't that what blogs are for? To share (okay...vent) my feelings about my life? In the meantime, I'm fighting hard not to say this to anyone who dares to ask me how I am or wishes me a Happy New Year.
oh yeah, Happy New Year, by the way.


Blogger L. said...

I`m not sane myself, so I`m hardly one to judge, but you sound perfectly reasonable to me.

Um....perhaps that`s all the proof you need, that you`re not...?

Hang in there.

5:34 PM  

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