back to reality

Lake Tahoe was great. Not the Tahoe of our youth - no poolside cocktails whilst playing cards or reading magazines, no kayaking across a glassy silent lake, no leisurely breakfasts made by people we don't know and don't have to clean up after - all indulgences made next to impossible with a one year old (who still naps twice a day) and a three year old (who refuses to sleep. ever.). Lots of back and forth between the condo and the pool. Lots of sunscreen and snacks and pool rings. Not so much reading or snoozing in the sun. It really is a whole new world, but the doods had so much fun it's hard to complain (even though I try). I did manage one perfect swim in the Lake from a pier to a swim dock in the middle of what felt like nowhere. Made the whole thing feel just right. Just like always. I've fairly consistantly been a parent who has a hard time adjusting to how much these small humans have changed my life. Constantly trying to drag an unfailingly cheerful MAS into my whinny "remember when...?" game. A nasty side effect of liking your pre-kid life very much. I vividly remember driving to the after-hours/weekend pediatric clinic one bright & clear Sunday morning a few weeks after the Bean was born, for what turned out to be some insignificant ailment, weeping to MAS that it wasn't that I didn't want him around, I just wished he could fit a little better into our routine. You know, the one with Sunday brunches and sleeping through the night. I know a lot of it was just the stark newness of it all, but it still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that feeling, just a few short years ago. I've most definitely had it less and less as I adjust (okay, submit, give-over, whatever...) to the whole parenting thing and add to my memory bank with imagines of new front teeth grins, waking up to baby hands on my face, the monkey-like toodler hugs and just how great they smell. All those moments when I just close my eyes and think "remember this, this is what it's all about" over and over. My kids rule. They are each perfectly perfect in their very own realness. Bean is articulate, engaging and as funny as anyone I've ever met in my entire life. The Baby Buddha smiles and giggles and makes me chase him around until I just give in to his cheerful chaos. Everyday I feel lucky that they are mine and I am theirs. Have I mentioned how much I love their feet? I have a serious obsession with their little feet. And where better to get my fill of their pigs than poolside?? - right between changing swim diapers, blowing up pool toys, fetching juice, telling above mentioned little feet to stop running and the sunscreen, oh god! the damn sunscreen......

yeah, that seems about right.

As I stare down the last six weeks of my 34th year, it appears that this particular year has made me old. That seems about right. I feel old and my hair has decided to go along with this feeling by turning grey. Perfect. I find myself scouring the crown of my head in the rear view mirror at stop lights. Could that one maybe, possibly be blond? Do they just sprout fully-formed overnight, during the course of a staff meeting at work or as I'm looking at our bank statement or talking to my mom on the phone?

I should admit, I've always liked my hair and taken some secret pride in the ease of our relationship. It's just your basic brown, straight hair, but its always been very cooperative. It lets me do my thing, and in turn, I treat it well. I give it ridiculously overpriced shampoo and hair products, and with the exception of that regrettable perm right before leaving for college, we've always managed just fine. But now its turned on me. Gone are the days of impulsively getting color or high/lowlights for fun, on a whim, in a sleek and stylish salon. I'm now going to be one of those crazy moms who locks herself in the bathroom every sixth Saturday to home dye her hair.

Is this truly what its come to? And more importantly, why does it make me want to cry? I don't consider myself vain, but I now have one more mandatory beauty ritual to add to an ever growing list. Along with waxing, plucking, moisturizing, hydrating, etc. I need to add dying my hair when on most days I'm thrilled to shower before I leave the house in the morning.